Stop Trying to Get It Right: How to Communicate from the “Messy Middle”
Why We Wait Too Long to Speak Up
Many of us wait to communicate until we’ve got everything figured out — the perfect phrasing, the ideal timing, the total confidence that we’re “in the right.”
We hold back until our message feels polished, like a neatly wrapped gift ready to deliver. But in real relationships, waiting for the perfect moment often means we don’t speak up at all — until resentment builds or emotions spill over.
What It Means to Communicate from the “Messy Middle”
In my work as a Denver therapist, I often encourage clients to communicate from the messy middle — before everything feels tidy or resolved.
Think of it like giving the gift before it’s wrapped. The paper’s torn, the bow’s crooked — but the gift (your truth) is still valuable.
Communicating from the messy middle might sound like:
“I’m not sure how to tell you this, but…”
“Part of me thinks I might be overreacting, but…”
“I’m not totally sure this is fair, but I wanted to check in with you…”
These imperfect openings create space for connection, not conflict.
Why the Messy Middle Works
When we share openly — even without having it “just right” — we:
Name our feelings, even if we can’t fully justify them.
Show empathy for the other person’s perspective.
Acknowledge opposing feelings (“I want to be understanding, and I’m also hurt”).
Name the awkwardness itself (“This is hard to bring up, but…”).
Let go of the pressure to be perfect.
This style of communication helps prevent the silent buildup of frustration or the eventual “blow-up” that comes from holding things in too long.
Real-Life Examples of Messy-Middle Communication
Here’s how this might sound in everyday life:
“I don’t really know how to say this, but it seems like your depression might be getting worse. I care about you and don’t want to sound judgmental. I might not have the right words, but I want to help.”
“I might be blowing this out of proportion, but you’ve left the dishes undone several times this week and I’m starting to feel like the responsibilities are falling to me. I know your week’s been stressful too, so I want to figure out a fair way to handle it together.”
“I’m trying to be understanding about your substance use struggles, but I’m also hurting. Sometimes it feels like I’m trying harder to be supportive than you are to get help, and that feels unfair to me.”
These examples aren’t perfect — and that’s the point. They invite collaboration and empathy instead of silence or defensiveness.
When “Perfect” Gets in the Way of Connection
Many people avoid hard conversations because they fear saying the wrong thing. But when we wait until we can “get it right,” we often end up saying nothing at all.
Communicating from the messy middle allows you to open a dialogue before resentment takes root. It helps the person you’re talking with join you in finding a solution, rather than being presented with a conclusion.
How Therapy Can Help You Communicate More Honestly
Learning to speak from the messy middle can transform your relationships — with partners, coworkers, and family members alike.
If you struggle to communicate until things reach a breaking point, or if you fear saying the wrong thing, therapy can help.
I offer individual therapy in Denver and online across Colorado, helping clients build confidence, emotional clarity, and communication skills that create connection rather than conflict.
