Just the Tip of the Iceberg: Why Your Fights Feel Like They Go Nowhere
Why You’re Not Even Sure What You’re Fighting About
In relationships, we often find ourselves confused about what we’re actually arguing over.
Maybe it starts with something concrete—like the dishes. You ask your partner to do their share, but suddenly there’s a pit in your stomach. They respond defensively: “Oh yeah? You’re not doing anything either.” The conversation escalates, circles, and eventually goes nowhere.
You might walk away wondering: Why did that feel so intense? or What just happened?
Conflict Is Often Just the Tip of the Iceberg
I often describe relationship conversations to clients as icebergs.
What we see above the surface is the immediate issue:
The dishes
The tone of voice
Being late
Not following through
But most of the emotional weight lives below the surface, in the larger, unspoken questions underneath.
Questions like:
Does my voice matter here?
Do you really care about me?
Am I seen and understood?
Am I appreciated—or taken for granted?
When these deeper concerns aren’t named, we end up arguing about the surface issue again and again—without ever addressing what actually hurts.
Dropping Below the Surface
I often encourage clients to gently “drop down” from the tip of the iceberg and explore what’s underneath.
That might mean asking yourself:
What feels at stake for me in this moment?
What larger concern is being activated?
What might my partner be worried about beneath their reaction?
When we slow down and get curious, conflict can shift from a power struggle into a more meaningful conversation.
What This Can Sound Like in Practice
Instead of staying at the surface, a conversation might sound like this:
“I know you have a lot on your plate, and I’m noticing that household tasks like the dishes are falling to me. When that happens, I start to feel invisible and overwhelmed. I need more help, and I’m not totally sure how to ask for it.”
This kind of communication names the deeper concern—feeling unseen or unsupported—rather than just the task itself.
When we understand what’s under the surface for ourselves, we’re also better able to empathize with what might be happening for our partner.
Why Addressing the Deeper Pattern Matters
These deeper concerns often stem from past trauma or earlier relationships.
When our needs weren’t prioritized by caregivers, we may internalize beliefs like “my voice doesn’t matter.” If a past partner labeled us as “selfish,” we might struggle to express needs without feeling guilty. If we were rejected by a friend group as a child, we may carry a belief like “I’m too much.”
All of this can get activated in the present moment—often without our full awareness.
When these old wounds are triggered, we may first notice it in our bodies: a tight chest, a pit in the stomach, a sudden urge to withdraw. From there, automatic responses can take over—shutting down, pushing the other person away, or overfunctioning to avoid needing anything at all.
These patterns are not character flaws; they’re protective strategies that once made sense. This is often fertile ground for EMDR therapy, which can help heal these beliefs at the root rather than just managing reactions in the moment.
In the meantime, simply recognizing when these deeper concerns are being activated can be a powerful step. When named directly, they become something you and your partner can address together—rather than reenacting the same surface-level conflict again and again.
We move from:
“Who’s right?”
to“What’s really going on between us?”
That shift creates room for understanding, repair, and change.
How Individual Therapy Can Help with Relationship Issues
You don’t have to be in couples therapy to work on relationship patterns.
In individual therapy for relationship issues, you can explore:
What tends to get activated for you in conflict
The deeper needs or fears under your reactions
How past experiences shape current dynamics
New ways of communicating that feel clearer and more grounded
If your fights feel stuck, repetitive, or emotionally draining, therapy can help you move below the surface—so conversations don’t keep crashing into the same iceberg.
I offer individual therapy for relationship issues in Denver and online across Colorado, supporting clients in building more clarity, confidence, and connection in their relationships.
