How to Accept Any Kind of Feedback Without Falling Apart (Insights from a Denver Therapist)
Why Feedback Hurts So Much
Getting tough feedback — from a boss, partner, or even your kids — can be hard. It can stir up defensiveness, insecurity, or both.
In therapy, I often share a framework to help clients digest feedback (good or bad) in a way that’s productive, compassionate, and doesn’t trigger shame or reactivity.
Step 1: Consider Who’s Giving the Feedback
There’s a big difference between receiving feedback from a trusted colleague versus a burned-out manager who models poor behavior.
Even if the latter offers something useful, it’s okay to filter feedback through context. Ask yourself:
Do I respect this person’s approach or values?
Are they giving feedback from their own wounds or projections?
None of this means we dismiss feedback entirely — but we do factor in the source and circumstances.
At the same time, notice your own defenses. Sometimes we discount valid input simply because it comes from someone we dislike. That’s another way to protect ourselves from discomfort.
Step 2: Ask Whether It Aligns With Your Values and Goals
If someone tells you you’ve been unkind and you value respect and connection, listen closely. Feedback that points you toward your own values deserves attention, even when it hurts.
Reminding yourself what matters — integrity, kindness, growth — can keep you open and curious instead of defensive.
Step 3: Notice What Parts of You React
When feedback stings, check which parts of you are showing up. Maybe it’s a protective, angry part, or a younger part that remembers feeling humiliated in school.
Working with an IFS-informed therapist can help identify and heal these reactive parts so they don’t take over. The goal isn’t to silence them, but to understand what they’re protecting and help them heal and feel safe.
Step 4: Explore Why Compliments Can Feel Uncomfortable Too
Many of us squirm not only at criticism but also at praise. Compliments can trigger old beliefs like, “If I accept this, I’ll disappoint them later,” or “That can’t be real — no one praised me growing up.”
Cultural expectations — especially for women and AFAB folks — often reinforce that humility is safer than pride. Remember: receiving positive feedback graciously isn’t conceited; it’s relational. It lets appreciation land and builds connection.
Step 5: Remember That Feelings Are Just Feelings
The hardest thing emotions ask of us is simply to feel them. Someone else’s feedback rarely says something ultimate about you. Even when it’s uncomfortable, you can stay present, breathe, and decide what (if anything) to take in.
When You Get Little or No Feedback
Sometimes the opposite happens — a boss or partner avoids giving feedback altogether. That can be equally confusing or frustrating.
In those moments, turn inward:
Reflect on your own growth edges.
Identify strengths and areas you’d genuinely like to develop.
Consider your long-term values and career goals.
Even without external guidance, you can set your own growth direction — one aligned with what truly matters to you.
How Therapy Can Help You Process Feedback
Learning to receive feedback without collapsing or over-apologizing is a skill that can transform relationships and self-esteem.
If you’d like support working through defensiveness, shame, or perfectionism, I offer individual therapy in Denver and online across Colorado. Together, we can build the confidence and calm that make feedback — even tough feedback — easier to hear.
